Need advice.....

So....

I grew up with this girl..(she will remain nameless I will color her red)..I have known her my entire life, literally, since we were like 2. As little girls we played and were good friends, her siblings were the same age as mine and we did things as combined families. However, being soooo much younger than my brothers, I didn't hear about alot of the stuff that went on, or didn't understand. It wasn't until I was much older and started dealing with the same kinds of issues with this girl that my brothers did with her sisters that my mum told me the whole story.

These 2 sisters made my brothers life hell, and my mothers too. I began to understand some of that as we entered high school and this girl was always lying and getting me in trouble, starting rumors...UGH! She was awful. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but we were in young women's together and that was unavoidable.

Finally after I was in Young Adults, and we had a huge blowout did I sever my ties with her.

Later, I found out that she betrayed a very good friend of both of our families. She did something so absolutely unspeakable to our mutual friend, that I never have gotten over. I actually was going to send her a bouquet of black roses...but my husband wouldn't let me.... grrrrrrr..... She ruined this girls life....it was horrific.

SOOOOOO....to make a very long story short. I married and moved here to Utah and haven't seen or spoken to this girl in 17 years. Yesterday, I get an email from her mother telling me that she is in town for Conference and she wants to 'catch up' and come over and see me and meet my family.

I am just sick!!! I don't want to be mean to this old woman, she was always nice to me, except that she is kind of looney....So, what do I say? I mean, do I let her come over? Do I just say no I am done with you and your wacko heartless daughter?

She is an old lady, in her late 70's...and I just feel torn. I don't want anything to do with her daughter, and yet I know I am going to be subject to having to listen to an afternoon's worth of stories about her and her grandkids....

Or do I just suck it up and once she is gone I am back to my normal life?

You could always just not respond to/ignore the email until conference has concluded (like on Monday or Tuesday) so that you can avoid the awkwardness of the situation, and then respond with, "sorry i didn't get to your email until now..." so that this lady is out of town by then. Or you can meet up with her, and verbally assault her! I think the first is a little nicer.

areumylifenow wrote:

So....

I grew up with this girl..(she will remain nameless I will color her red)..I have known her my entire life, literally, since we were like 2. As little girls we played and were good friends, her siblings were the same age as mine and we did things as combined families. However, being soooo much younger than my brothers, I didn't hear about alot of the stuff that went on, or didn't understand. It wasn't until I was much older and started dealing with the same kinds of issues with this girl that my brothers did with her sisters that my mum told me the whole story.

These 2 sisters made my brothers life hell, and my mothers too. I began to understand some of that as we entered high school and this girl was always lying and getting me in trouble, starting rumors...UGH! She was awful. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but we were in young women's together and that was unavoidable.

Finally after I was in Young Adults, and we had a huge blowout did I sever my ties with her.

Later, I found out that she betrayed a very good friend of both of our families. She did something so absolutely unspeakable to our mutual friend, that I never have gotten over. I actually was going to send her a bouquet of black roses...but my husband wouldn't let me.... grrrrrrr..... She ruined this girls life....it was horrific.

SOOOOOO....to make a very long story short. I married and moved here to Utah and haven't seen or spoken to this girl in 17 years. Yesterday, I get an email from her mother telling me that she is in town for Conference and she wants to 'catch up' and come over and see me and meet my family.

I am just sick!!! I don't want to be mean to this old woman, she was always nice to me, except that she is kind of looney....So, what do I say? I mean, do I let her come over? Do I just say no I am done with you and your wacko heartless daughter?

She is an old lady, in her late 70's...and I just feel torn. I don't want anything to do with her daughter, and yet I know I am going to be subject to having to listen to an afternoon's worth of stories about her and her grandkids....

Or do I just suck it up and once she is gone I am back to my normal life?

YIKES!!! I wonder how in the world I was EVER a good RS pres??? (I promise...I WAS a good person once upon a time---I think until hubby became bishop...lol) Anyway....the only thing I could think about while I was reading this...was....what the he#* did she do????

O.k...sorry for my moment there......CRUD...I'm not sure what to say. Does her mom know what happened? I like bitemeedward's advice (lol)...it's probably something I would do...I don't think there is any reason you should have to listen to her for an afternoon. If she DOES know---is there a chance she's coming to say something about it??

I would call and try to work out a time but then i would be terribly busy and wouldn't be able to meet at all and it would be TERRIBLY sad.
Okay i'm an avoid confrontation kind of person. But that's what i would do.

Ok so since we aren't using names, and I am certain you lot aren't her, I will tell you.

My good friend, married my husband's mission companion....about 2 months before we got married.

The marriage was a nightmare from the beginning, and near the end it got much worse. Finally my friend Karen moved back to Canada. Unfortunately, there were 3 kids involved. So, she went back to live with her mom, who lived in the same neighborhood as hag girl.

She immediately latched onto this friend of mine, since she too had broken up with her husband. They would go for walks every day and chat and became very close. Karen felt like she had found a confidant and unfortunately, began to confide in her.

One day about 7-8 months later, hag girl shows up on Karen's doorstep with a large manilla envelope smirking and begins to tell Karen that Karen's ex hired her to become friends with her and dig for dirt so that he could get an upper hand in the custody case. Once hag girl had gotten enough info, she passed it all along to the scumbag ex who started to sue for custody of the kids.

Karen is a saint. It isn't like she did anything really bad...and I don't know all that was said.

Karen was devestated. When I found out I seriously wanted to hire a hitman....I settled for the black roses...but alas...no go from my honey.

Jellybean wrote:

I would call and try to work out a time but then i would be terribly busy and wouldn't be able to meet at all and it would be TERRIBLY sad.
Okay i'm an avoid confrontation kind of person. But that's what i would do.

OH yah! That's a good one! Then it looks like you really tried to make it work but it was just bad timing! I REALLY don't think it's bad to try to get out of seeing her at ALL...it sounds like it was a pretty serious thing that happened and so if you appear to make an effort I think that would be one of the best options!

O.k....so my other post was a little behind....

Holy CROW! That is well....whoa! I don't even know what to say! I seriously CAN'T believe it! Did the two not know each other before? Did the "spy" never think about how it would feel if someone had done that to her being as she had been divorced also? I am just speechless (and that doesn't happen very often).............W-O-W!!! I assume her mom knows what she did? Is she still active? Is the husband who hired her? Who has the kids....o.k...I know, I know..I am WAAAAAY to curious for my own good.

Ruthann...I am sorry that you have to deal with this and even think about again this many years later! That REALLY sucks!!!

After learning the story, I say screw her. I wouldn't waste your time spending it with her.

And I too am curious about where things are with your friend, her ex, etc...I know I shouldn't be so curious either.

Well, let's answer the first questions.

Yes, all involved were active members at the time.

I did forget once HUGE juicy bit of gossip. Darrin and I were engaged when Karen got married. We were invited to the reception. When I had gone through the line, the mother in law pulled me aside and she was standing with the grooms brothers. She said to me, 'Why don't you dump that guy and marry one of my sons instead...' She was completely serious! I just looked at her dumbfounded, and walked away....

Last horrible thing but definately not least. The reason they finally got divorced was because psycho mother in law said to Karen's husband, 'If you divorce Karen, I will buy you a new truck for your business, and a membership at the country club.'

....so he did.

CHEW ON THAT FOR AWHILE......

SOOOOOO.....
Yes, hag girl knew Karen, we all grew up together, since we were tiny girls. All our families knew each other.

Yes, I am POSITIVE that her mother knows what happened. Although I know hag girl, and I am sure she twisted the events somehow so that she was innocent of the whole thing. She is a very skilled and cunning liar.....

In the end, Karen won full custody of her kids!! YEAH! It was a long and very awful trial, but everyone was shown for their true colors. I was so happy for her. She remarried, but to someone who isn't a member. They are totally happy, and she does still go to church. He is a pilot for a major airline back in Toronto.

I have decided that I will see her.

If all it will do is save my father from having to deal with the aftermath of me NOT seeing her. I don't want it to get back to my father, he doesn't need the grief....or the crap she would say to him on Sundays for the rest of his life. The 'I couldn't make time to see an old friend who came all the way from Canada'speach... or the 'What kind of daughter did you raise' crap....I know she would barrage him with, and I won't put him through that.

Wow, as if the story couldn't get worse...

Good luck with your visit with her. Make sure you stretch your arms a bit before you see her so you don't pull a muscle when you pull back and punch her out.

Well...it is just the mom, and she was always nice, a bit nutty, but pretty nice. The hard part will be the ache on my face from fake smiling for a couple hours.....

UGH!

Ok, so here is what I would TRY to do. I emphasize the word TRY!

I had a very dear friend who COMPLETELY betrayed me several years ago - after we had helped she and her husband financially, emotionally and physically. Both my husband and I expended a great deal of effort to help this gal and her family. I won't go into details - just that it ended VERY badly. They are now divorced - and her ex actually died a few years ago while having a seizure.

I made contact with this gal about five years ago. She is extremely unhappy, has left the church, her son is MESSED UP and her life basically sucks. While talking with her I realized that I HAVE to forgive her AND Love her. IT is my JOB as a child of God. I don't want to get all preachy here, but the last thing I want is to go to my Father in Heaven and have Him tell me that I didn't forgive, so will not be forgiven.......

We are NOT close friends. I don't believe we ever will be again. However, when I think of her I don't get angry or sick to my stomach anymore.

So, I would get down on my knees.... ask for guidance.... establish personal boundaries regarding the conversational topics you will ALLOW..... and make sure you have a prior commitment for an hour after she gets there so there is no reason for this to be prolonged. Let her know you only have an hour.... but that she is COMPLETELY welcome to come and chat.

Just my .02

Oh yah, I have to go and pick her up and take her back too....she doesn't have a car. So, I will for sure take her when I am ready to have her leave!

I like the topics that I will allow...that was excellent.

thanks everyone for your advice....*big squishy hugs!!!*

You are right Edye. The voice of reason! You do need to forgive him, but that does NOT mean you have to be friends with her or have her a part of your life.

It is so hard for me to comprehend members of the Church being this bad. There are a lot of jerks in the Church, no doubt. But nasty horror stories like this are unfathomable for me. Maybe because it has never happened to me. You would think with all the light and truth we have that people would treat each other more Christlike. I feel like so many members miss the boat when it comes to the true, underlining meaning of the Gospel, and that is to love each other, not wrong each other or show others up with how "knowledgeable" they are or whatever. I'm sure Heavenly Father shakes his head in disappointment because of the way we treat each other.

We have some mean, gossipy hags in my ward, and they have tried to get me to come to their "fix the ward" girl's nights, but I won't have anything to do with them. Perhaps they think I'm stuck up or something, but I need to stay clear of them for my own self-preservation. What stinks is all of them, including me, are the leaders in the YW program in our ward. It is shameful.

I have had some really TERRIBLE experience with people in my ward growing up and i haven't been back to the services is a VERY long time. Its not that i have anything against the principles or teachings or anything like that. I just don't know if i have the strength to go back to a place that has so many Bad memories. Does that make any sense. I know i have since moved out of state and ward and etc. But i'm just not ready to be a part of it again. My MIL has said that We (me and hubbie) would have some serious actions taken against us if we were ever to show ourselves again. (don't know the truth in that).
I just dont' understand how someone can do that to another person. Mean people truely suck!

The members truly do ruin the church many times. I think a lot of people have a lot of explaining to do during judgment.

First of all you are all better people than I am.

Ruthann, I would have told her to take a flying leap off a tall building. However, I do believe you are doing the right thing.

Edye, you are a freaking saint, and I'm not sure if I can be in your presence again

Bite-me-edward, You are so wonderful and have such strength especially if you have to work closely with the women in your ward.

Jellybean, the people in the church are what makes it crazy. I went through some trying times as a young woman and wouldhave been inactive except for some wonderful leaders who used to say all the time "Remember the church and gospel are perfect, but the people are not, thats why they need to go to church" Your MIL is just speculating, you never know what could happen, it all depends on your leaders. Crazy MIL!!

Jellybean wrote:

I have had some really TERRIBLE experience with people in my ward growing up and i haven't been back to the services is a VERY long time. Its not that i have anything against the principles or teachings or anything like that. I just don't know if i have the strength to go back to a place that has so many Bad memories. Does that make any sense. I know i have since moved out of state and ward and etc. But i'm just not ready to be a part of it again. My MIL has said that We (me and hubbie) would have some serious actions taken against us if we were ever to show ourselves again. (don't know the truth in that).
I just dont' understand how someone can do that to another person. Mean people truely suck!

Back up the "serious actions taken against us" truck from hell. Jellybean, sometimes people just don't understand the workings of the church. This is SUPPOSED to be a church of unconditional love, kindness and forgiveness. I don't know where you were raised, but I have found that the VAST majority of the wards I have lived in have been accepting, loving and, above all, WELCOMING.

I am so sorry for the hurt you have experienced. The house of the Lord should be a safe haven for all souls, but we are all human. Mere fallen matter. We all make mistakes - and some of them are HUGE! Just know that it really doesn't matter what human beings say, your only concern is your personal relationship with your Father in Heaven. I promise you that you will find only love and kindness as you approach Him. If you lived in my ward I would SO welcome you with loving arms.

Thanks Edye!

Edye wrote:

Jellybean wrote:

I have had some really TERRIBLE experience with people in my ward growing up and i haven't been back to the services is a VERY long time. Its not that i have anything against the principles or teachings or anything like that. I just don't know if i have the strength to go back to a place that has so many Bad memories. Does that make any sense. I know i have since moved out of state and ward and etc. But i'm just not ready to be a part of it again. My MIL has said that We (me and hubbie) would have some serious actions taken against us if we were ever to show ourselves again. (don't know the truth in that).
I just dont' understand how someone can do that to another person. Mean people truely suck!

Back up the "serious actions taken against us" truck from hell. Jellybean, sometimes people just don't understand the workings of the church. This is SUPPOSED to be a church of unconditional love, kindness and forgiveness. I don't know where you were raised, but I have found that the VAST majority of the wards I have lived in have been accepting, loving and, above all, WELCOMING.

I am so sorry for the hurt you have experienced. The house of the Lord should be a safe haven for all souls, but we are all human. Mere fallen matter. We all make mistakes - and some of them are HUGE! Just know that it really doesn't matter what human beings say, your only concern is your personal relationship with your Father in Heaven. I promise you that you will find only love and kindness as you approach Him. If you lived in my ward I would SO welcome you with loving arms.

Edye, that was wonderful!!

So, I didn't see that woman. She asked me to pick her up in front of the conference center after the Saturday session, and I refused. The traffic would have been a freaking nightmare! So, she said not to worry about it. She called at like 11:30 pm last night and Darrin was so pissed, and told her to call back in the morning! HAHAHAHA!

I was at the gym all morning and she left like 3 messages, but no return number, so I haven't called her back. I would just be so happy if I didn't have to see her at all.....

Looks like the "storm" might have passed right by you! Phew, breathe a sigh of relief!!

Who leaves three messages without a call back number..

Good Point!